Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Stuffed Full Of Love

I am not a good blogger; I have come to that acceptance after blog surfing and becoming green with envy. I could be a good blogger, but I need motivation, a cheerleader of sorts. But in order to do that, I would have had to have my blog seen in the first place right? So my pets are going hungry, and every now and then I can hear crickets on my blogs page. (Sarcasm of course)
I've started a book, and that's about all I have done with it. Writers block suck, along with bottomless ideas. My brain is at it's limit of bursting, and yet my fingers are going no where. I'd write a book about my life, but that would take volumes, and if I can't get one measly book done you can pretty much forget a library, trilogy, or even a sequel out of me.
How are the children doing you say? Allahu Akbar, is my answer. Never have I felt more blessed, masha Allah. Isma'eel is back home, although his stay has been determined indefinite, I like to think of it as "for a long time".Blessings are everyday, there is no way to actually think things happen by accident, or just by chance. It's not just by chance that I love the craziest kidnappers this side of the globe. No; that's something special, something only a mother can understand.
To be programmed to love, protect, and sacrifice for a person the moment you meet them, has to make a believer out of anyone. It's powerful, even more powerful than falling in love with your own parents. With growth, a baby falls in love with it's care giver, but how do you put into words the feeling you get when you hear the first cry? Allahu Akbar.

Friday, December 3, 2010

I Don't Have ADHD, My Thoughts Do

So, I've been sailing on a stream of consciousness, and I am officially sea sick. I can't always keep up; I put way more on myself than I really should, and I am officially overwhelmed. Subhanullah. I have been holding that inside of myself, hoping it would not come to this. Moms are normally super, almost appearing non-human. I have not mastered the art of even faking it. So here's the start of my therapy: 1) I need to write in my blog everyday. 2) I should really try to take on the "Go getter" persona, to do better in different areas of my life. 3) And finally, I just need to grow up!! The victim has left the building. The old damsel has to evolve at some point, and get a friggin back bone. I don't want to whine anymore, I want to tell it like it is and know what I am talking about. I've been an under-dog for way too long; and although it was fun to show everyone how I rise from the ashes, I am tired of the pain of burning myself. I must start today, this hour, this minute, this second; I must be a woman. Don't forget to feed my blog pets.

Monday, October 25, 2010

My Mind Is Mines Nomore

I am a procrastinator; and although the word reminds me of a futuristic movie involving Arnold Schwarzenegger, I know all too well what it really is. It is the essence of irresponsibleness and self loathing.Ya Allah, I am having that feeling of being one of the kids again and wishing there were parents we were waiting on to come home. But no one else is coming home, I'm in charge here. Until I can find a head of household, I have two jobs to do.

My boy started homeschooling, masha Allah, and now I have taken on a third role. (What a Genius I am, right?) Al-humdulillah, it's been going better than I thought. It is absolutely through the grace and mercy of Allah(SWT), that I can get through another day. The only challenge I am facing right now, is how to preoccupy a 2 year old. It's unfortunate really, my 5 year old doesn't concentrate as he should. Neither have I for that matter, I'm on autopilot again and I'm more clumsy than usual. All in good time, insha Allah, all in good time. (Writers block yet again; please don't forget to feed the fish.)

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Enjoy The Little Things

Once you have been "kidnapped" by children like I have, you have to seize every moment to have a little pleasure. So, earlier today I stole a moment; while at the store buying a few groceries I bought a Dr. Pepper and a Hershy's with almonds. Dun, dun,duuuuuuun. I was naughty; and I liked it. I sat in front of my door and slowly enjoyed both the drink and the candy bar. When finished, I walked through the door as though I had a dirty secret, and there was nothing my captors could do about it. (cue the evil laugh) AH HA HA HA!
After my shenanigans, I cooked burgers and fries and made sure everyone ate, masha Allah. Not bad,mash Allah, although the burgers and the fries tasted as though I was involved in a violent earthquake while seasoning. Subhanullah, I haven't had anything that salty since pumpkin seeds as a kid. Either way, we all ate and "enjoyed".
Even my oldest son (your typical food critic), said nothing.
The rest of our evening has run pretty smooth, and I am feeling a bit of writers block coming on. But this is a blog so it doesn't matter, no one reads this anyway. *sniff sniff* Insha Allah, someday I'll be a cool blogger with a bunch of followers.

Friday, August 20, 2010

My Darling Boy


I love you sweety!



Mommy will miss you until next time insha Allah!!

Missing Him Already

Ya Allah!! In a few hours my ex-husband will be here to pick up our son, insha Allah. I'm really not looking forward to this. I will more than likely slip into the whole "Failure as a mother" emotional self mutilation rant, but I should really keep a clear head. I've applied for online school for Abdur-Rahman, and I pray I can find reasonable schooling for myself online. I figure, insha Allah, if I keep my head together long enough to get the gears running on self betterment, I could have much more to offer him as a mother.
His father has so much more to offer him emotionally, religiously, and ethically. There is a two parent house there; an awesome step mother, masha Allah, and a brother and a sister. It is better for him there, now I just have to convince myself to accept it. Well, not much to write tonight; writers block.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Taking the plunge



I thought things over; and over; and over, and I think I will try the home schooling. It could be out of pure laziness that I was completely loathing the idea. I guess it was more fun to play school than to actually be held accountable for my five year old's education. Strangely I've been doing it all along thus far, so why am I so nervous? I've worked really hard on a "school area" that took a few years to "accumulate", that is pretty cool if I must say so myself. Sure my desk isn't always the most organized, but I think it shows character. (Of course this is just to make me feel better. ;-) )
So I applied for Abdur-Rahman to began home school; my discomfort of the fact that he has developmental delays has been eased by the fact the home program I chose has special education and what appears to be a good support team. Rather continuing on with my arduous self loathing of wanting "me" time, insha allah, I am going to embrace the moment and do what obviously comes natural to me.

Killing me and making me stronger

So, I have come to a conclusion concerning family; you have to get use to the thought that your just related to them. Although, I'll admit , it is some what difficult to reprogram yourself to become numb of a mere thought of them. But, in the end, you can't break the ties of kinship. My epiphany drew me to a better understanding of the perks of living a good distance from them.(Although some days it doesn't feel far enough.)
I was born in Philadelphia,PA and decided when I began having children, that the first chance I get, I would move away. In doing so, I was afraid, insecure, and on edge. The naked feeling of, "Anything could go wrong and I'm all alone", constantly ran through my head. But it's been done before right?
The point is, I am all alone, and what I haven't realized is that I have been alone for a long time. When you sit back and think about your worst fears,there is an amazing realization that you've more than likely conquered all, if not, most of them. If there are any you may have bottled up, then just think about the fact that nothing lasts forever. Take comfort in knowing, that just like your 2 week vacation you highly anticipated that flew by all too soon, will be the same outcome for your problems.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Poor Fortunate Children

7/10/2010 It would appear that my son is being appetizingly abused. My 5 year old eats 5 times a day, 3 meals, 2 snacks. I prepare meals that are healthy AND yummy; so you can imagine my crushed feelings tonight at dinner when my 5 year whispered to my 4 year old, "Does she really expects for us to eat this?". I turned around just at his boiling point when he screamed, "My eyes are burning just looking at it!".
Chicken parmesan, by the way.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Light's Out!

Ironically I mentioned the other day how humbling it must be to live in "third world" countries, and how I would like to practice living with out luxuries for a day. Well, allah (SWT) decided to give me a little taste of it. I do not have a cell phone at the moment, but thankfully my little sister was visiting and had hers. The outage started approximately 10:00 am, which to me was going ok. The children handled things splendidly, of course most of the morning was spent at the mall to keep the angry midgets busy.
Everything was going fine....until dusk. The shadows cast on the wall cast a series of hallucinations in the minds of the children. (By the way, I should mention we have visitors this week. My 11 year old sister, my companions 6 year old, and my sweet Isma'eel) I will proudly mention that I too became unnerved as my home became a fortress of dark corners, and places that look suspect of a possible break in. But I was brave, I was afraid but I stood firm. (Masha Allah)
Ok, so we ended up in the boys room. I can surely understand why the living arrangements in other countries are a bit small. With no electricity, your home looks even bigger. (Scary for me) Call me paranoid but I don't like the feeling of not knowing what lurks in the dark. Oh how thankful to my Lord I am for my sight, and ask Allah to preserve it with his mercy. Ameen.
We all were bunched in the boys room, with four candles and a steak knife. (Yes, a steak knife) I live in a town where not much happens, but you just never know what may come into a persons mind when security systems are down. Of course this freaked the children out tremendously, but hey, a lady has to do what a lady has to do. I ignored the gut wrenching feeling during trips to the bathroom, and was a little annoyed by the fact that I asked everyone if they had to go when another kid was in there. In true child fashion, as I would sit down to settle in another child frighteningly mentioned they had to go potty.
Approximately 9:30 pm, my electricity was restored, and I still had the shaky feeling it could go back off. It is 10:58 pm and I am still nervous that it will go back out; since it went out for no good apparent reason in the first place. But for now, we'll just hunker down and wait for our next adventure tomorrow. Insha Allah Night night

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I'm A Bad Blogger!

Ok; I admit it, I am a bad blogger. I have yet again neglected my blog. But in my defense I will say I have reasons; not excuses, but reasons. One reason is that my 4 year old Isma'eel has come to visit, Al-humdilullah. My loving child has come for the summer, and the adventure begins!. That's on a good note, on a bad note, my ex-husband had a stroke and has a blood clot on his brain. We've had our rough times and I've said some pretty mean things, but I really want him to be ok. I have been making du'ah (praying for his recovery)constantly.
It has been difficult to look at the children lately; seeing so much of him in their faces is taking it's toll. It's ironic that in my anger I have played this scene over and over in my head, and imagined myself not caring and thinking I would feel like he deserves it. But that's not what happened; not at all.I became overwhelmed with grief and shock, I could have surely passed out had it not been for my need for understanding.I realized I had a need for him to continue on living that I still have no full understanding of.
Life is quirky that way, the delicacy of it leaves you feeling like every breath could be your last, every harsh word may be your last. Sorry could come too late and your stuck with the thought that you never made things right.

I must admit, the visit of my sweet Isma'eel has made things easier to deal with, Al-Humdilullah. My boy sure is getting big, I have stopped the torment I have been doing to myself by letting loose. I have been trying to make everyday an adventure and have fun in every way I can imagine. The smiles of my children are my fuel that I need to try harder, and there is no favor of my lord that I will deny.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

My Wondering Mind

I have come to the conclusion that my son is a miniature man. Yes, you read it right, a man. Only a man can scream out, "I can fix it!" or "Be quiet", and have allergies to chores. This was not an easy conclusion to come to, as I am big on babying and complete royal treatment. I regret my complaining during the days of scheduled nap times, feedings, and diaper changing. Consider me a person who's learned their lesson; from now and on, insha allah, I will not complain about temper tantrums, fall outs, name calling, spontaneous out burst of giggles, constant practical jokes, furniture climbing, free falling, forgetting to wipe, sarcastic comments, snack cabinet bandits, important document tearing, etc. I guess you get the point; way too many to name.
I will no longer complain about these things because I have come to learn that with each stage of life, there are new quirks to get use to, quirks that make me happy with my quirks now. As they get older, they move further away from your grasp and in some ways, although you shouldn't, you feel betrayed. You want them to always cry for mommy with a certain distrust for the world that keeps them always by your side. As the years roll by, complete abandonment seems imminent, and after a while you're just buying time. Around this same time, confusion sets in; lessons must be learned, but your "mommy thoughts" tell you that learning lessons are dangerous.
Your job has been, thus far, to protect them from the world, and you are now thrown into a nightmare that your protection is no longer wanted. Only you can understand that you are still needed and is still an asset in their lives. Well, I understand; I am no longer allowed to walk beside them, holding their hand, I am only allowed to walk behind them, and catch them when they fall. But for now, I will bask in my "opportunity" to walk beside them and hold their hand. (sometimes)

The training wheels are off, I am still allowed to hold on to the seat.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

"Always Keep Your Childish Enthusiasm"

Although I am one who's known to complain and find fault in almost everything I do, I truly still have my childish outlook on life and people. I find myself wondering blindly through my thoughts, replaying certain events that could have gone better than their outcome. In those moments, I still have the feeling of, "It's ok, everything is going to get better. I just have to wait a little, and I'll show everyone." It's those days that give me the "zest" to keep going with a happy face. Because let's face it, we all HAVE to keep going, but we all can't do it with a happy face.
I'm a professional enthusiast at times, and even have pride about it , but reality reminds me that even clowns can cry. There was a time I felt almost immortal and untouchable, like I could make anything happen. Ah, the joys of immaturity; it is a complete enigma to wonder where your happiness lies in life. Can complete ignorance make you happy, or knowing reality in it's entirety? A fellow "childish enthusiast" would probably agree and say, "When I didn't know, I felt safer", and I would have to agree with them. But it's strange how not having a good understanding of reality can cause damage beyond repair, and with each reality learned, your blissful ignorance disappears.
It is days that I am feeling this way that I tell life, "I want a refund!"

Neglect

I am guilty of neglecting my blog and completely taking life a little too serious lately. I have let my down falls stand in the way of a "come up". I owe my self and my blog an apology....well sorry.

So, now that I've gotten that out of the way, I can now whine and complain about the fact that my 5 year old has been threatening to move in with his father. This of course would be fine if I felt his father truly had the time to deal with some of our sons issues. There are 13 children all together, and I am afraid that my son will "blend in with the crowd". I don't mean to make it seem as though I treat my son like an abnormal child, but he must be watched, and careful observation must be taken into consideration in dealing with him. I don't feel like it's a tall order, but I have a tendency to imagine all kinds of crazy things happening to my children when they are not in my care. There were times they would be playing quietly in their room, and the slightest yelp, and I am expecting to see blood.
What is with that?? Why do I feel a drop in my stomach and a pain in my chest each time I hear any loud noise?? Am I being overly dramatic? Of course these are just rhetorical questions from me wallowing in my own self pity. Oh whoa is me. I typically can't stand the thought of self loathing, it has never done anyone any good. It's like a tape worm, no matter how much you feed the ugly beast, you are slipping slowly away from being healthy. Or something like that; it's definitely something I have been working on for a very long time. My son telling me he wants to live with a father he's never lived with in the first place, kind of hurts, which I believe has nothing to do with my self loathing. It just doesn't feel good. Well I have a head ache and I am very tired, so I'll compensate and write early tomorrow. Insha Allah.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Unschooling?

I've been running across quite a few blogs and videos on "unschooling", and I must admit that while there are plenty of "educated" ignorant people in the world, I am afraid to imagine if this trend began to rise in numbers. These children who are raised in these environments are taught that they can make decisions and basically be their own boss, in which I feel can only make their transition into adulthood a possible culture-shock. If I am raised to believe I can do what I want, there are no consequences, and no understanding, than how can I be comfortable with following laws, and rules of society as an adult?
Structure is made for safety, and with taking away structure you are taking away safety in a sense. I was raised with the notion of what we want is not always what we need, and in that aspect of the topic, how can any uneducated person particularly KNOW what they need? It's the same way with drop-outs, and kids who play hooky, the damage is not understood until later on in life, when eventually they have to learn things they could have learned long ago and made their work easier for themselves. Take this from being a habitual procrastinator who drifted through the first quarters of the semester and had to crunch through the last quarter.
There in lies my problem with the term "unschool". The children who are being unschooled, will eventually be re-schooled, as I am finding in a lot of these blogs and websites the children grow up to want to go to college or some sort of technical school. My closes family members and friends have had bouts of stress filled days and anxiety over exams and essays,etc., and these are folks who have gone to school their whole lives. I can only imagine the difficulty of being "thrown" into a curriculum they have not had extensive study in. This is what I mean by culture shock, going from one extreme to another.
I do not understand the parents of the children quite well either. Are they actually ok with possibly having to take care of these children for the rest of their lives?? It's kind of a double edge blade, though the children are learning about responsibility, in no way are they being taught reality. They are basically being taught that what ever they have interest in, they can just "wing it" until they figure it out. This can have sometimes dangerous consequences, as the world is not as understanding as mom and dad.
I too want my children to learn from experience, but I also want them to learn structure. I want them to understand respect for rules and regulations, with freedom there comes great adversity in the end. I also have a problem with freedom to make choices, for the simple fact that my children break things with some of their behavior. ;-) I have three boys who likes to climb on anything worth climbing, no matter the value. Am I wrong for setting rules to not climb on these things, or take things apart? Well call me crazy but I like what little I have and I like what sanity I still have left.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Blah, Blah, Blah

Ok, so I'll admit that I have writers block. There are a ton of things going on, and yet I have nothing specifically to write about. My poor little Blog. It's a perfect resemblance of the little engine that could, just chugging along a steep hill, going no where fast. Words aren't really reaching me right now, I am more so BS-ing than anything. I feel weary and tired, like a beaten rag doll on it's last day before the trash. These are of course single mom issues; two parent homes have one up on me of course for the simple fact that there are two people with their backs up against each other fighting off "life".
I am not in a hopeless state, just a helpless state. Only I can set things in order and fight to keep them in order. There is support from family and good friends, that lighten the blows and push me to keep going, but I have wondered from the grasp of others and they can only watch and ease the hardship from a far. I don't know who has it worse, facing trial, or watching helplessly while your family or friend suffer.
Just when I think I have the gist of decision making and planning, I realize I can sometimes be one of the kids. Any other time, this works out great for me, but not now, not today. My childish out look on life has it's weak points, and this is one of them. I thought I was a grown up by moving away, and trying to make it on my own. Just the dreams of a child; no grown up in their right mind makes random decisions based on a dream. I thought I wanted the best for my boys, but such as a child, it wasn't clearly thought through.
At some point in your life you come to a place when you realize that dreams are like smoke, and you can't hold on to smoke. It's gone, and when it all clears up you have to face reality and calculate the damages.I've lived it for a long time, this dream, and I have concluded that I am a successful failure. I am so believable, that I believed myself. In no way am I calling myself a pathological liar, I just believed in myself so much, that I skipped some steps in my thought process, and felt I had everything figured out.
I'm only good at one thing, and that one thing is not enough for my children. I am good at being there for them when they need me, but I can't always deliver. I fall short more than I am looked up to, and it is only their innocence of the world that they do so. What am I to do when they get older and can understand that they could have more, and that they could have better? I can portray that all is well, and we are rich in love and all that stuff that gets you by until you are "found out about".
Everyone has their dreams of success of doing what they have always wanted to do, but I am the only "child" who still has ignorance/denial to still believe in it.I have thus far been a restless child in not giving up and settling for the hand I was dealt. Which would be fine, if I were alone, but if I am foolish in following random dreams, then my children have no choice but to follow me in what ever mistakes I make.
The irony is I have pegged myself to be a pretty good mother, because they are well taken care of and provided for, but they have no security. The sweetness of childhood protects them from knowing this, but I know, so I better get to work on these things. So until next time blog, goodnight and even the sweetest dream is still just a dream.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Isma'eel


Mommy misses you so much.Can't wait to see you next week!

My "Roommates"



Thing1 and Thing2
The early years

Monday, May 31, 2010

A Conspiracy Of Mutiny

There are foul dealings afoot. The two angry, short gentlemen in my house, have been plotting and planning. Of course you may consider me to be a raging lunatic by the accusations, but you would only be partially right. I have a snaking suspicion that my children are planning something big; my tape is missing and my 5 year old is a little too interested in my tape measure. I should also mention that I was double teamed mercilessly today, with potty training accidents and "the snack cabinet thief". You can only imagine the shear signs of amusement on their faces, as mommy completely lost her motherly decorum.
Either the mental trauma was too overwhelming, or my equilibrium was off when I tried to answer the remote and change the channel with the phone. Yes; it's been one of those days. The kind of day when you're expecting a "grown up" to come in and take over, and you can go back to the days you went to your room and buried your face in a good book. It's scary at times to know that there is no mommy and daddy to run to with these responsibilities. You have to fix every problem, mend whats broken, and make boo-boos feel better, all the while, your belongings are being broken, your problems go unfixed, and your boo-boos make you limp, but you press on.
As they conspire to raid the snack cabinet, and urinate on your rug, you think to yourself, "These days won't last forever." Because in the back of your mind, you know there will come a time when they won't want to stick around you long enough to do any of those things. Right now you are their interpreter in the world, you give them an understanding of how things work, and even when you don't have an answer, you can change the subject and teach them something else.
So what do you do when it appears to them that others have all of the answers? Well, the only thing to do is hold their hand, and hold it tightly, because it's hard for the others to stare a person that is already being led.If we can keep them in touch with all of their five senses, they will have balance. Let them "see" the beauty in all, "hear" the truth in what is right, "taste" the sweetness of love, "smell" crap from a mile away, and "feel" pain so that they may learn lessons. Pushing your child, in reality, literally means you are pushing them away. (I don't think I need to post the definition of the word push.)
Well blog; I am sleepy, and I should probably rest up, this bird never catches the worm. So I better go so I can catch my 5 year old "snack cabinet bandit" ;-D

Drowning In A Potty


Out of the hardest challenges I have had so far; potty training happens to be my nemesis. Before having children, I already had it in my mind that potty training would be the one thing that would test my patience. Give me attitude, give me the silent treatment, but don't give me urine on my beige rug. I make you feel like a big boy, son, and I buy you undies. So why do you stand a mere foot away from your potty and just "go"? I am leaning towards the notion that you never forgave me for those chocolates you wanted earlier that I denied you.
What ever the reason, I am constantly walking around like a hunting blood hound, in search of urine. He's constantly running here and running there, it's like some weird "find the spot" game. As I am writing now, he is trying to inch slowly but surely off of his potty. With being the youngest of the bunch, I would have thought it would be a bit more easier. When potty training began, I was optimistic and completely at ease. I now feel I was being naive. Each child is different in their own right and should not be "expected" to learn any new lessons at a certain rate. Yay me!! My mommy lesson of the day.
On another note, I am due for therapy. I have been putting it off, and being a cheapskate long enough. It is time to go shopping!! "Where are you going?", you may be asking yourself, well I can tell you it's no where extravagant. My therapy can sometimes consist of a very good dollar store, and I'll be content as a swaddled new born babe. Maybe it's a woman thing that most average men just don't get about us.There is a history of complaints from the mens department, saying we take too long to shop. They just don't understand that "special" feeling we get once we lay eyes on those "ON SALE" signs. Most women, even if only subconsciously, want everything. I'm quite sure plenty of us would outwardly deny any allegations, until of course we are faced with an "ON SALE" sign. ;-D Ah, to be a lady!!
So in short, I will not let the potty training monster beat me; I have some therapy to look forward to. Ha! Take that! Mommy-1, Potty training-0

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Cabin Fever


It's been a "blah blah" day to add to my "blah blah" weekend. I could rant on about the heat and being stuck in the house with a 5 year old and 2 year old, but it really wasn't that interesting today. The heat knocked my 2 year old out for a good nap, but my 5 year old was wide awake complaining about being hot, like I wasn't standing in the same room. I don't know if he thought it was some sick new torture tactic, but he wasn't happy with "ME" over the temperature of the day. Well that's parenting right? Just a preview I guess of the finger pointing he will go through, insha allah, I guess when he's older.
I guess I'll go on and admit it, and tell you that I'm a cheapskate. Though I have central air, masha Allah, most of the time I open all of the windows and put the ceiling fan on high. It's really not all that bad if you are sitting still, so for most of the day, when my son complained to me in his condescending tone, I told him he had to stay still to keep cool. Hey; he treats me like it's my fault for the heat, and I treat him like it's his fault he's so hot. It's the only defense I have to support my cheapskate tactic.
Now don't misunderstand, this is no weird form of torture, it all levels out in the end. If it's a humid day, I'll go on use the central air, but on an average hot day, I don't feel the need to use it. His reality of his mother being a "super mom" only stems from "super saving". That and a bit of an imagination. It's just sacrifices that he is totally unaware of. With so many popular toys out there, I may not always be able to afford them, so I look for unique toys that not many have but are cool. Masha Allah, so far I have been doing a pretty good job.
Well; unfortunately, I am quite sure it's obvious that I am suffering from writers block. Even to write this has been a moment of insanity. To write and erase over and over is madness. So I just started writing exactly what I was feeling. Don't worry if it doesn't make sense to you, because most of what I do doesn't make much sense to me until well later. ;-) Maybe I should have made the name of the blog "Ramblings Of A Mad Woman", but that's a bit long winded. So since my mind is still clouded, I'll just end it here. Ta-Ta to all. (If anyone ever reads this.)

Playing Tag With My Thoughts

Yesterday was a day of defeat.I had a headache so bad, I could have surely accused the children of being "Scanners". It was the kind of Migraine that makes you ask your oldest child, "Hey sweety, are you sure you remember how to dial 911?".Of course you are not trying to cause any panic, but it's just one of those headaches. It's amazing how mothers,(some mothers), can work on autopilot under almost any distress. Along with my humongous headache, came a side order of coughing and runny nose from my 2 year old. I have the ability to look at our ailments as "germy" little enemies invading our bodies. It's trippy that my kids enjoy taking medicine, they want to fight off the germs and get better. Isn't it amazing that if you tell them the true story of what's going on with their body, and use a little imagination, that they can be so accepting?
Needless to say, my little sick "Captor" is still holding me hostage.There are now pauses for him to cough when he's babbling in his baby talk. My 5 year old has reached an all time high in his arrogant phase.The phrases, "I've made my mind up" and "You have to clean my room, you clean the living room." has had a belittling affect on me.I would ask him who does he think he is, in my indignant adult voice, but I know from experience he'll only tell me exactly who he is. Makes you wonder if it's childhood innocence, or plain sarcasm. What ever the reason is, I can only appreciate my sons intelligence. Although used against me at times, I can really feel his hunger to consume as much knowledge as he possibly can. You have the kids who ask the "why" questions, and then you have the kids who take things upon themselves to research the "why". That's my boy; the kid who was blessed with not only book smarts, but street smarts. How did this come about, I'll never know.I some how don't think it is meant for me to know.

Friday, May 28, 2010

"Where have you been?!"

Well, what can I say? I've been gone for quite a long time. Masha Allah Between moving to a new place, and one of my sons moving with his father, there could be plenty to talk about. But the reality is, there is nothing to talk about. It's just as cut and dry as I wrote, believe it or not. I live a quiet, simple, "not much to talk about", kind of life. My adventure in motherhood still continues, and it gets more interesting by the second. I'm so old fashioned, I am beginning to feel I am withering away at times, and other times I am so thankful for my"old fashioned" views. Things have happened in the past year that has definitely brought me closer to my lord. Wa Al-humdulillah. I have found peace, and tranquility that makes me yearn for simplicity. My treat for my self comes ALMOST every evening, when I tuck my mini me's into bed, and I indulge in studies and ice cream. Yes, simple I know, but with so many other extra things, they come with extra problems.
Of course, I am not a professional writer, nor do I have any expectations of making a big deal out of this. But there was a time when I was down in the dumps, and a blog by an "average mom" made me feel like raising children is an adventure and not issues that are just in the way. If I can return the favor to some other mom, then a chain can get started. :-D We can all look at our children and say, "Come on you little person, give me your best shot!" Lets match the little people with our wit and imagination. After all, we were once little people ourselves, and suffered with boredom, power struggle, and peers. If we can relate more, it makes it more of an adventure than a job. We need those nights back when we made a makeshift tent in the living room and "camped out" all night. Lets bring back our senses, because we've lost the love of that squishy feeling of mud or slime. Where did it go? I have these constant questions in the back of my mind that says, "Why do I look at the same objects, places, or people, and can't seem to see the same things any longer?" And then it hits me every time I wonder these questions; life beat the crap out of me.
I am a grown up, and when I was a kid, I looked at that as power. I made constant promises to myself to take one night and just pig out on junk, because grown ups said I would get sick. I've become a grown up and still haven't had a "junk" night. But, in my young adult years, I've drink myself into a good hang over and have gotten sick. Ah, the irony of the matter, I've become what I use to think was so lame. But guess what, it's never too late. If we take our intelligence we've gained over the years, and remain responsible, and let loose those little people we were, what an adventure it can be!
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