Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Enjoy The Little Things

Once you have been "kidnapped" by children like I have, you have to seize every moment to have a little pleasure. So, earlier today I stole a moment; while at the store buying a few groceries I bought a Dr. Pepper and a Hershy's with almonds. Dun, dun,duuuuuuun. I was naughty; and I liked it. I sat in front of my door and slowly enjoyed both the drink and the candy bar. When finished, I walked through the door as though I had a dirty secret, and there was nothing my captors could do about it. (cue the evil laugh) AH HA HA HA!
After my shenanigans, I cooked burgers and fries and made sure everyone ate, masha Allah. Not bad,mash Allah, although the burgers and the fries tasted as though I was involved in a violent earthquake while seasoning. Subhanullah, I haven't had anything that salty since pumpkin seeds as a kid. Either way, we all ate and "enjoyed".
Even my oldest son (your typical food critic), said nothing.
The rest of our evening has run pretty smooth, and I am feeling a bit of writers block coming on. But this is a blog so it doesn't matter, no one reads this anyway. *sniff sniff* Insha Allah, someday I'll be a cool blogger with a bunch of followers.

Friday, August 20, 2010

My Darling Boy

I love you sweety!

Mommy will miss you until next time insha Allah!!

Missing Him Already

Ya Allah!! In a few hours my ex-husband will be here to pick up our son, insha Allah. I'm really not looking forward to this. I will more than likely slip into the whole "Failure as a mother" emotional self mutilation rant, but I should really keep a clear head. I've applied for online school for Abdur-Rahman, and I pray I can find reasonable schooling for myself online. I figure, insha Allah, if I keep my head together long enough to get the gears running on self betterment, I could have much more to offer him as a mother.
His father has so much more to offer him emotionally, religiously, and ethically. There is a two parent house there; an awesome step mother, masha Allah, and a brother and a sister. It is better for him there, now I just have to convince myself to accept it. Well, not much to write tonight; writers block.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Taking the plunge

I thought things over; and over; and over, and I think I will try the home schooling. It could be out of pure laziness that I was completely loathing the idea. I guess it was more fun to play school than to actually be held accountable for my five year old's education. Strangely I've been doing it all along thus far, so why am I so nervous? I've worked really hard on a "school area" that took a few years to "accumulate", that is pretty cool if I must say so myself. Sure my desk isn't always the most organized, but I think it shows character. (Of course this is just to make me feel better. ;-) )
So I applied for Abdur-Rahman to began home school; my discomfort of the fact that he has developmental delays has been eased by the fact the home program I chose has special education and what appears to be a good support team. Rather continuing on with my arduous self loathing of wanting "me" time, insha allah, I am going to embrace the moment and do what obviously comes natural to me.

Killing me and making me stronger

So, I have come to a conclusion concerning family; you have to get use to the thought that your just related to them. Although, I'll admit , it is some what difficult to reprogram yourself to become numb of a mere thought of them. But, in the end, you can't break the ties of kinship. My epiphany drew me to a better understanding of the perks of living a good distance from them.(Although some days it doesn't feel far enough.)
I was born in Philadelphia,PA and decided when I began having children, that the first chance I get, I would move away. In doing so, I was afraid, insecure, and on edge. The naked feeling of, "Anything could go wrong and I'm all alone", constantly ran through my head. But it's been done before right?
The point is, I am all alone, and what I haven't realized is that I have been alone for a long time. When you sit back and think about your worst fears,there is an amazing realization that you've more than likely conquered all, if not, most of them. If there are any you may have bottled up, then just think about the fact that nothing lasts forever. Take comfort in knowing, that just like your 2 week vacation you highly anticipated that flew by all too soon, will be the same outcome for your problems.