Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Blah, Blah, Blah

Ok, so I'll admit that I have writers block. There are a ton of things going on, and yet I have nothing specifically to write about. My poor little Blog. It's a perfect resemblance of the little engine that could, just chugging along a steep hill, going no where fast. Words aren't really reaching me right now, I am more so BS-ing than anything. I feel weary and tired, like a beaten rag doll on it's last day before the trash. These are of course single mom issues; two parent homes have one up on me of course for the simple fact that there are two people with their backs up against each other fighting off "life".
I am not in a hopeless state, just a helpless state. Only I can set things in order and fight to keep them in order. There is support from family and good friends, that lighten the blows and push me to keep going, but I have wondered from the grasp of others and they can only watch and ease the hardship from a far. I don't know who has it worse, facing trial, or watching helplessly while your family or friend suffer.
Just when I think I have the gist of decision making and planning, I realize I can sometimes be one of the kids. Any other time, this works out great for me, but not now, not today. My childish out look on life has it's weak points, and this is one of them. I thought I was a grown up by moving away, and trying to make it on my own. Just the dreams of a child; no grown up in their right mind makes random decisions based on a dream. I thought I wanted the best for my boys, but such as a child, it wasn't clearly thought through.
At some point in your life you come to a place when you realize that dreams are like smoke, and you can't hold on to smoke. It's gone, and when it all clears up you have to face reality and calculate the damages.I've lived it for a long time, this dream, and I have concluded that I am a successful failure. I am so believable, that I believed myself. In no way am I calling myself a pathological liar, I just believed in myself so much, that I skipped some steps in my thought process, and felt I had everything figured out.
I'm only good at one thing, and that one thing is not enough for my children. I am good at being there for them when they need me, but I can't always deliver. I fall short more than I am looked up to, and it is only their innocence of the world that they do so. What am I to do when they get older and can understand that they could have more, and that they could have better? I can portray that all is well, and we are rich in love and all that stuff that gets you by until you are "found out about".
Everyone has their dreams of success of doing what they have always wanted to do, but I am the only "child" who still has ignorance/denial to still believe in it.I have thus far been a restless child in not giving up and settling for the hand I was dealt. Which would be fine, if I were alone, but if I am foolish in following random dreams, then my children have no choice but to follow me in what ever mistakes I make.
The irony is I have pegged myself to be a pretty good mother, because they are well taken care of and provided for, but they have no security. The sweetness of childhood protects them from knowing this, but I know, so I better get to work on these things. So until next time blog, goodnight and even the sweetest dream is still just a dream.

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