Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I'm A Bad Blogger!

Ok; I admit it, I am a bad blogger. I have yet again neglected my blog. But in my defense I will say I have reasons; not excuses, but reasons. One reason is that my 4 year old Isma'eel has come to visit, Al-humdilullah. My loving child has come for the summer, and the adventure begins!. That's on a good note, on a bad note, my ex-husband had a stroke and has a blood clot on his brain. We've had our rough times and I've said some pretty mean things, but I really want him to be ok. I have been making du'ah (praying for his recovery)constantly.
It has been difficult to look at the children lately; seeing so much of him in their faces is taking it's toll. It's ironic that in my anger I have played this scene over and over in my head, and imagined myself not caring and thinking I would feel like he deserves it. But that's not what happened; not at all.I became overwhelmed with grief and shock, I could have surely passed out had it not been for my need for understanding.I realized I had a need for him to continue on living that I still have no full understanding of.
Life is quirky that way, the delicacy of it leaves you feeling like every breath could be your last, every harsh word may be your last. Sorry could come too late and your stuck with the thought that you never made things right.

I must admit, the visit of my sweet Isma'eel has made things easier to deal with, Al-Humdilullah. My boy sure is getting big, I have stopped the torment I have been doing to myself by letting loose. I have been trying to make everyday an adventure and have fun in every way I can imagine. The smiles of my children are my fuel that I need to try harder, and there is no favor of my lord that I will deny.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

My Wondering Mind

I have come to the conclusion that my son is a miniature man. Yes, you read it right, a man. Only a man can scream out, "I can fix it!" or "Be quiet", and have allergies to chores. This was not an easy conclusion to come to, as I am big on babying and complete royal treatment. I regret my complaining during the days of scheduled nap times, feedings, and diaper changing. Consider me a person who's learned their lesson; from now and on, insha allah, I will not complain about temper tantrums, fall outs, name calling, spontaneous out burst of giggles, constant practical jokes, furniture climbing, free falling, forgetting to wipe, sarcastic comments, snack cabinet bandits, important document tearing, etc. I guess you get the point; way too many to name.
I will no longer complain about these things because I have come to learn that with each stage of life, there are new quirks to get use to, quirks that make me happy with my quirks now. As they get older, they move further away from your grasp and in some ways, although you shouldn't, you feel betrayed. You want them to always cry for mommy with a certain distrust for the world that keeps them always by your side. As the years roll by, complete abandonment seems imminent, and after a while you're just buying time. Around this same time, confusion sets in; lessons must be learned, but your "mommy thoughts" tell you that learning lessons are dangerous.
Your job has been, thus far, to protect them from the world, and you are now thrown into a nightmare that your protection is no longer wanted. Only you can understand that you are still needed and is still an asset in their lives. Well, I understand; I am no longer allowed to walk beside them, holding their hand, I am only allowed to walk behind them, and catch them when they fall. But for now, I will bask in my "opportunity" to walk beside them and hold their hand. (sometimes)

The training wheels are off, I am still allowed to hold on to the seat.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

"Always Keep Your Childish Enthusiasm"

Although I am one who's known to complain and find fault in almost everything I do, I truly still have my childish outlook on life and people. I find myself wondering blindly through my thoughts, replaying certain events that could have gone better than their outcome. In those moments, I still have the feeling of, "It's ok, everything is going to get better. I just have to wait a little, and I'll show everyone." It's those days that give me the "zest" to keep going with a happy face. Because let's face it, we all HAVE to keep going, but we all can't do it with a happy face.
I'm a professional enthusiast at times, and even have pride about it , but reality reminds me that even clowns can cry. There was a time I felt almost immortal and untouchable, like I could make anything happen. Ah, the joys of immaturity; it is a complete enigma to wonder where your happiness lies in life. Can complete ignorance make you happy, or knowing reality in it's entirety? A fellow "childish enthusiast" would probably agree and say, "When I didn't know, I felt safer", and I would have to agree with them. But it's strange how not having a good understanding of reality can cause damage beyond repair, and with each reality learned, your blissful ignorance disappears.
It is days that I am feeling this way that I tell life, "I want a refund!"

Neglect

I am guilty of neglecting my blog and completely taking life a little too serious lately. I have let my down falls stand in the way of a "come up". I owe my self and my blog an apology....well sorry.

So, now that I've gotten that out of the way, I can now whine and complain about the fact that my 5 year old has been threatening to move in with his father. This of course would be fine if I felt his father truly had the time to deal with some of our sons issues. There are 13 children all together, and I am afraid that my son will "blend in with the crowd". I don't mean to make it seem as though I treat my son like an abnormal child, but he must be watched, and careful observation must be taken into consideration in dealing with him. I don't feel like it's a tall order, but I have a tendency to imagine all kinds of crazy things happening to my children when they are not in my care. There were times they would be playing quietly in their room, and the slightest yelp, and I am expecting to see blood.
What is with that?? Why do I feel a drop in my stomach and a pain in my chest each time I hear any loud noise?? Am I being overly dramatic? Of course these are just rhetorical questions from me wallowing in my own self pity. Oh whoa is me. I typically can't stand the thought of self loathing, it has never done anyone any good. It's like a tape worm, no matter how much you feed the ugly beast, you are slipping slowly away from being healthy. Or something like that; it's definitely something I have been working on for a very long time. My son telling me he wants to live with a father he's never lived with in the first place, kind of hurts, which I believe has nothing to do with my self loathing. It just doesn't feel good. Well I have a head ache and I am very tired, so I'll compensate and write early tomorrow. Insha Allah.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Unschooling?

I've been running across quite a few blogs and videos on "unschooling", and I must admit that while there are plenty of "educated" ignorant people in the world, I am afraid to imagine if this trend began to rise in numbers. These children who are raised in these environments are taught that they can make decisions and basically be their own boss, in which I feel can only make their transition into adulthood a possible culture-shock. If I am raised to believe I can do what I want, there are no consequences, and no understanding, than how can I be comfortable with following laws, and rules of society as an adult?
Structure is made for safety, and with taking away structure you are taking away safety in a sense. I was raised with the notion of what we want is not always what we need, and in that aspect of the topic, how can any uneducated person particularly KNOW what they need? It's the same way with drop-outs, and kids who play hooky, the damage is not understood until later on in life, when eventually they have to learn things they could have learned long ago and made their work easier for themselves. Take this from being a habitual procrastinator who drifted through the first quarters of the semester and had to crunch through the last quarter.
There in lies my problem with the term "unschool". The children who are being unschooled, will eventually be re-schooled, as I am finding in a lot of these blogs and websites the children grow up to want to go to college or some sort of technical school. My closes family members and friends have had bouts of stress filled days and anxiety over exams and essays,etc., and these are folks who have gone to school their whole lives. I can only imagine the difficulty of being "thrown" into a curriculum they have not had extensive study in. This is what I mean by culture shock, going from one extreme to another.
I do not understand the parents of the children quite well either. Are they actually ok with possibly having to take care of these children for the rest of their lives?? It's kind of a double edge blade, though the children are learning about responsibility, in no way are they being taught reality. They are basically being taught that what ever they have interest in, they can just "wing it" until they figure it out. This can have sometimes dangerous consequences, as the world is not as understanding as mom and dad.
I too want my children to learn from experience, but I also want them to learn structure. I want them to understand respect for rules and regulations, with freedom there comes great adversity in the end. I also have a problem with freedom to make choices, for the simple fact that my children break things with some of their behavior. ;-) I have three boys who likes to climb on anything worth climbing, no matter the value. Am I wrong for setting rules to not climb on these things, or take things apart? Well call me crazy but I like what little I have and I like what sanity I still have left.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Blah, Blah, Blah

Ok, so I'll admit that I have writers block. There are a ton of things going on, and yet I have nothing specifically to write about. My poor little Blog. It's a perfect resemblance of the little engine that could, just chugging along a steep hill, going no where fast. Words aren't really reaching me right now, I am more so BS-ing than anything. I feel weary and tired, like a beaten rag doll on it's last day before the trash. These are of course single mom issues; two parent homes have one up on me of course for the simple fact that there are two people with their backs up against each other fighting off "life".
I am not in a hopeless state, just a helpless state. Only I can set things in order and fight to keep them in order. There is support from family and good friends, that lighten the blows and push me to keep going, but I have wondered from the grasp of others and they can only watch and ease the hardship from a far. I don't know who has it worse, facing trial, or watching helplessly while your family or friend suffer.
Just when I think I have the gist of decision making and planning, I realize I can sometimes be one of the kids. Any other time, this works out great for me, but not now, not today. My childish out look on life has it's weak points, and this is one of them. I thought I was a grown up by moving away, and trying to make it on my own. Just the dreams of a child; no grown up in their right mind makes random decisions based on a dream. I thought I wanted the best for my boys, but such as a child, it wasn't clearly thought through.
At some point in your life you come to a place when you realize that dreams are like smoke, and you can't hold on to smoke. It's gone, and when it all clears up you have to face reality and calculate the damages.I've lived it for a long time, this dream, and I have concluded that I am a successful failure. I am so believable, that I believed myself. In no way am I calling myself a pathological liar, I just believed in myself so much, that I skipped some steps in my thought process, and felt I had everything figured out.
I'm only good at one thing, and that one thing is not enough for my children. I am good at being there for them when they need me, but I can't always deliver. I fall short more than I am looked up to, and it is only their innocence of the world that they do so. What am I to do when they get older and can understand that they could have more, and that they could have better? I can portray that all is well, and we are rich in love and all that stuff that gets you by until you are "found out about".
Everyone has their dreams of success of doing what they have always wanted to do, but I am the only "child" who still has ignorance/denial to still believe in it.I have thus far been a restless child in not giving up and settling for the hand I was dealt. Which would be fine, if I were alone, but if I am foolish in following random dreams, then my children have no choice but to follow me in what ever mistakes I make.
The irony is I have pegged myself to be a pretty good mother, because they are well taken care of and provided for, but they have no security. The sweetness of childhood protects them from knowing this, but I know, so I better get to work on these things. So until next time blog, goodnight and even the sweetest dream is still just a dream.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Isma'eel


Mommy misses you so much.Can't wait to see you next week!

My "Roommates"



Thing1 and Thing2
The early years
There was an error in this gadget